i WILL mark your forehead with calf's blood

What a day! I ought to file a patent on being exhausted, but that is absurd and I already did it this afternoon. You see, I'm exhausted because I spent the afternoon filing frivolous patent claims. One must do what one can to make life more difficult for the scum that lines the ruby-embossed thrones down at the patent office. I think you'll agree I've done my share, though now that I've put myself out there it will be rather embarrassing if you don't. The pertinent question (I pray you'll agree) is: Have you done your share? The answer is as obvious as the reek of diesel fuel I imagine you emanate. Freaking no. You haven't. Otherwise I don't think the boys down at the patent office would have time to sit around counting bags of rubies and writing slanderous letters concerning repeated incidents of frivolous patents being filed. So join me in the crusade, I promise you, after our inevitable success I will mark your forehead with calf's blood.

Sorry for the rare digression, now, on to politics. My post office box has been flooded (if you can pretend envelopes filled with letters are water) with envelopes filled with letters begging me with a desperation so palpable it brings tears to my eyes and vomit to my mouth to provide them with the correct answer to the question: Who should I vote for? Well, there is no easy answer. (Here's the easy answer: vote for your mother. I bet that would make her feel nice.)
The difficult answer is that you must carefully consider the myriad pertinent issues, and then, should a candidate aligned with your views prove available, storm the alligator-guarded offices of The Diebold Corporation and alter, with the help of a diamond-tipped drill, the results (stored in a olympic-sized pool of chili). To sum it up: consider which potential-president you'd prefer to play board games with on Play Board Games With The President Day, and pick the other one (You're never going to grow as a person if you don't challenge yourself.).



Final words: honored, tempest, and eleven